Scrolling and checking social media and news feeds are addictive behaviours that affect brain chemicals. A toddler loves to have an effect on the world – to make something else appear by swiping, for example, is a thrill, especially when the app or game is designed to keep babies and toddlers interested, and quiet while you drive home or do a chore or have a minute’s peace. The phone or tablet is a portal to books, cartoons, songs, contact with relatives . . . There’s no in-built ‘that’s enough’ instinct. It doesn’t turn itself off (as long as it’s charged) and the material on it – at least in terms of one person’s ability to find and watch or consume or play it – is limitless.

Recommended screen times below cover the daily combined use of all screens: live or streamed TV, movies, hand-held games, apps, and any use of computers, tablets and phones. All screen time is not equal: child development experts all furiously agree that quality beats worrying about quantity. In other words an hour of good-quality TV for a preschooler is infinitely better than a half-hour of a violent game. Family or friends screening a movie or TV show should always choose one rated G for the youngest person who is there – not be guided by the oldest or most persuasive kid in the room.

Some apps and games are useless in terms of learning or development, or even psychologically harmful – there are apps for little girls to pretend they’re getting cosmetic surgery. Electronic games that have positive role models for both girls and boys, and promote thinking or might encourage a ‘real world’ adaption, but these are aimed at older kids and are not for babies or toddlers.

Screen time before the age of 2 is associated with a very much higher risk of a delay in speech development and less ability in reading. It is also believed to affect learning and development of communication, attention abilities, and social skills later on. Many children are already starting kindergarten with below-average physical, communication and speech skills because much of their interaction is them being silent, using screens.

Unsupervised device use and social media are unsuitable and bad for toddlers.

Recommended daily maximum screen times

Under 18 months old: no screen time.

• 18 months to 2 years: occasional ‘together-use’ – with an adult – watching a TV show or using an app.
• 2 to 5 years: one hour maximum ‘together-use’ – with an adult.
• Older than 6 years: Parents should set family-rule limits. Experts generally say kids should have a maximum daily use of 2 hours and, where possible, days without screen use.
• No screens 2 hours before bedtime, as their light messes with the brain’s understanding of night and day. (For more on this see Chapter 20, Toddler Sleep.)

Looking for more? There’s much more information on good games and activities in the Babies & Toddlers book.

This is a term used to describe variations on developmental conditions, including Asperger’s syndrome through to autism and what is sometimes called, would you believe, ‘pervasive disorder not otherwise specified’.

Confusingly, terms and diagnoses can change across different cultures, over time, and even between doctors. For various reasons, the separate diagnosis of ‘Asperger’s’ is being phased out, but it’s mentioned here because many doctors and parents still use it.

The autism spectrum covers a wide range of symptoms and different develop­mental difficulties and mental disabilities. Kids on the spectrum can have a range of intelligence levels, just like any kids. A kid with Asperger’s syndrome or autism could be much better at some tasks and ways of thinking than other kids. Everyone with autism isn’t a ‘mathematical genius’ despite the stereotype.

‘Pervasive disorder’ diagnoses tend to cover symptoms that still allow a person to be ‘high functioning’. So ‘high functioning’ or Asperger’s or ‘Aspie’ might be terms you hear to indicate a kid whose intelligence isn’t affected but who has difficulty with social interactions.

‘Autism’ on its own as a word tends to extend to the more intense versions of spectrum characteristics, as well as other difficulties, such as in some cases being non-verbal and entirely dependent on others. A kid can be anywhere along that spec­trum from ‘mild’ to ‘severe’, and have their own unique mix of symptoms.

Most people on the spectrum don’t have ‘severe autism’, and find hobbies, jobs and families that suit their quirks, skills and difficulties in negotiating the ‘normal’ social world.

Some people on the spectrum find that they are very good at tasks and pursuits that involve intense concentration and focus or obsession, patterns, systems or collec­tion and categories. Many ‘high-functioning’ kids on the spectrum go to mainstream schools with help; others are home-schooled. Kids with more challenges who perhaps cannot communicate with words or who have a lot of actions, such as rocking, making noises, screaming or becoming agitated, can attend a ‘special school’, though there are not enough of these schools.

Kids with recognisable characteristics can get along without any intervention if their symptoms don’t get in the way of a normal life for them. It is usually difficulties at school and the need for extra support that lead to a clinician and parent realising that the child could benefit from a diagnosis. Their ‘traits’ might just be seen as quirks, special skills or something they need extra help with now and then, such as having some­body else’s feelings explained to them.

Remember, though, that kids are individuals, and your kid, more importantly than having a ‘condition’, will have their own quirks – they may like a squeezy hug or get a twinkle of delight in their eye about certain things . . . you’ll get to know your kid.

The book Babies & Toddlers has plenty more on the possible characteristics of a kid ‘on the autism spectrum’, and where to get more individual info and help (autismspectrum.org.au is one great website recommended).

Remember, you’ll always be the expert on your own kid. Medical and other professionals can be in a team with you to help – not to give your kid a ‘label’ but, whatever their needs and strengths, to help them reach their potential.

• Ask your teenager to think before hitting ‘send’, ‘submit’ or ‘upload’: anything, including a text, message, pic, email, post, tweet, blog, status change or link, can be instantly resent to thousands of people. Do they really want it out there?
• Only let family members or close friends map, check in or log your teenager’s location. Otherwise – ‘don’t allow’. Check regularly.
• Make sure any of your webcam vision and video chat can only be seen by you and your own chosen friends. Some nasty types take advantage of being anonymous to ‘troll’, harass and threaten girls and women online, sometimes in a sexual way. Block them if you can. Responding personally will probably encourage them to keep trolling. Keep a record (e.g. screen-shot) in case you need to, or you want to report or take it further with the site or service provider.
• Don’t allow your teenager to pass on their password to anyone except you.
• If your teenager is on the younger side, ensure your thumb print is registered on their phone (iPhone 6 and above), allowing you access.
• Ask your teen to add you as a friend to all their social media. You don’t need to comment or participate, but it may well make them stop and think ‘will Mum and Dad be upset seeing this online?’

More in the book, Girl Stuff 13+: Your Full-on Guide to the Teen Years.

Lots of teenagers have parents who separate or divorce (the legal version of separation).

Often the people separating are very sad, and sometimes also feel angry with each other, guilty about the break-up of the family and worried about the future. There might be another adult involved because one of the partners has started a new relationship, but sometimes the two people separating just don’t want to be together any more.

Family breakdowns can happen really quickly, and you might have had no idea that anything was wrong before you were told. This can make it hard for you to understand why your parents want to separate, or make you believe that it isn’t necessary, but usually adults have thought long and hard about it before they’ve decided.

• Separation or divorce is not caused by you, even if your parents sometimes argued about your behaviour. It’s caused when adults don’t want to be together any more, and that’s never a kid’s fault.
• You have a right to be upset about such a huge change in your life, which you did not ask for or cause.
• You shouldn’t be asked by either parent to ‘take sides’.
• You have a right to ask one of your parents not to criticise the other in front of you.
• Your parents are separating from, or divorcing, each other, but they will always be your parents.
• You have a right to continue to see both parents, and both sets of grandparents, if you want to.

For more advice on parents, divorce and separation get the book, Girl Stuff 13+: Your Full-on Guide to the Teen Years.

There are some things you need to consider when you’re deciding which jobs (part-time or full-time) to apply for:

• What kinds of jobs are you suited to (for instance, working in the kitchen or working ‘front of house’ as a waiter)?
• What are you qualified for, or most likely to get?
• How many hours can you work, and on which days?
• How far can you safely travel, and at what times of the day or night?
• Will it cost too much to get there and back?
• How much will you accept as an hourly rate of pay?
• Is there a low training wage that automatically becomes a better wage later?
• When you turn a certain age, and should be paid more, will you be replaced with a new junior on a lower wage?
• Do you get a free meal?
• Is a uniform provided or do you have to buy your own work clothes?
• Is there a discount on the company’s goods (and are the products the sort of stuff you’d want anyway)?
• Will you still have enough time in your week to dedicate to your school studies?

Once you have that sorted it’s time to search the job advertisements: employment websites, Centrelink, community notice boards in supermarkets and bookshops, backpacker hostels, restaurant and shop windows. “Word of mouth” is also a good way to learn of positions coming up. Friends with jobs may hear of vacancies, and bosses are often pleased to interview and try someone out on a recommendation.

There’s more on finding a job, writing a resumé and the job interview in the book, Girl Stuff 13+: Your Full-on Guide to the Teen Years.

You don’t have to tell anyone, but if you want to talk to someone, you may want to choose a trusted adult (there are also safe websites you can go to and find out more about being gay, or other aspects of sexuality or identity).

You may want to be out in the family and in at school or vice versa, but remember that can be impossible to control. Some kids who are gay or have another sexuality or identity don’t feel safe telling family, friends or teachers – don’t tell those people if you think you won’t be safe and supported. Remember you are not alone – you can reach out elsewhere for support.

There’s more helpful advice and resources in the book, Girl Stuff 13+: Your Full-on Guide to the Teen Years.

Some people send nude pics of themselves but that doesn’t make it a good idea. The danger is that accidentally or otherwise, somebody else will show or share those pics, or the fact that they exist – by sending to someone else, who shares it with other people, maybe at your school, or to parents, or even in a school email and on social media, as has happened.

A person who makes a private pic more public, or sends it to someone else, is doing something much worse than taking the nude pic of themselves. But once it’s “out there” you can’t “get it back”. You’ll have no control over who sees it or how it’s used, whether it shows your face or not. So here’s the best advice that could help save you from some real, difficult drama …

The answer is NO!

• Never take or send such a pic of yourself (this is often called ‘sexting’). Even as a joke between friends, never allow anyone to take a picture of you nude, topless or showing private parts.
• Never send or resend anyone a pic of you or anyone else under 18 who’s undressed or showing private parts. It can result in police investigation, charges and a criminal record. If somebody sends you a nude or sexual photo, show it to a trusted adult then delete it.
• Remind yourself that any sexual message you send to a friend, even as a joke, can be sent on accidentally or deliberately and end up being seen by parents or teachers.
• It’s illegal for anyone to send you porn pictures, messages, links or info by email or text, or otherwise display it or send it to where you live, work or study. If someone does, show it to a trusted adult.
• If you get a porn or harassing message or pic, report it to your parents or a teacher.
• If porn sites or pics ‘pop up’ on your computer, tell a parent, teacher or boss (depending on where the computer is). Otherwise, if they check the history they might think you went to the site deliberately.
• Don’t take photos of a friend and post or tag them without their permission.
• Don’t keep any embarrassing pictures on your phone that someone could send deliberately or accidentally.
• If an embarrassing pic of you is posted or texted, don’t despair. Ask friends to delete it, get help from trusted adult – a teacher, parent or aunty perhaps to deal with any wider problems, and put it down to experience. A photo can’t ruin your life, define you as a person or create a reputation that stays forever.

For more on social media and online safety get the book, Girl Stuff 13+: Your Full-on Guide to the Teen Years.

You should never feel pressured into doing something you don’t feel comfortable with. If you are worried or doubtful then don’t do it.

If you’re unsure, you’re probably not ready yet. And if you’re not comfortable with kissing, caressing with your clothes on, being touched on your breasts or between your legs, then you’re definitely not ready to have sex.

Remember the first time you have sex should be with someone you like and respect, and who feels the same way for you. If you’re not ready now they should respect you and your wishes and wait for a time that you might be. Of course you might never be, and that’s OK too.

Ways to say no to sex:

• No.
• No, I really don’t want to.
• I’m not ready for that yet.
• I don’t want to go any further than this.
• I am happy to kiss you, but that’s all.
• Let’s just kiss for a while.
• I don’t want to go any further than kissing, hugging and touching.
• I want to slow down.
• Slow down.
• Stop!
• Not now. (That doesn’t mean you have to say yes next time!)

There are more tips on consent and safe sex in the book, Girl Stuff 13+: Your Full-on Guide to the Teen Years.

First you will need to decide if the friendship is worth fixing. If your answer is ‘no’ then it’s time to seek out new friends. But if you feel there is a friendship worth saving, then make a few attempts to talk through whatever is making you, or your friend, angry or upset. Invite your friend somewhere, or suggest doing something together, and see what the reaction is. Spend a little more time together and gradually you may find the friendship is back on.

Sometimes it’s just time that hammers out the dents left on a friendship by a misunderstanding, a bad mood or a mad moment of meanness. Friendships can be up one week and down the next, or even on different days.

There is plenty of advice on maintaining friendships, leaving friendships and what makes a great friend in the book, Girls Stuff 13+: Your Full-on Guide to the Teen Years.